I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. I feel as if I'm getting closer to booking really great gigs, which only makes the rejections more disappointing. This week I auditioned for eleven jobs in six days... One would have relocated me to Hilton Head, SC for a month this spring, one would have paid thousands of dollars and completely changed my life from a financial standpoint, and most would have just meant getting paid for what I love. I would have been happy to book any of them, but I did not.
Some of my auditions were open calls. For example, on Friday, I was signed up at 7:00 am for an audition, and was #268. At 5:15 pm, I got to sing my 16-bar cut of "A Little Bit in Love" (approximately 30 seconds). Over half of the people that signed up (Everyone after #300) didn't even get to audition. Regardless, I waited ten hours for less than a minute of time in front of the directors...600 actors waited for their minute too! This business is ridiculous. This of course was a bit crazier than a lot of my auditions...Now that I've been here for awhile, I get appointments somewhat frequently. Appointments mean at least one person involved in the production (casting director, music director, producer or someone else) is very interested in having me in the production, and wants me to audition. Of course the appointments boost the ego a bit, but more importantly they mean I get there fifteen minutes before the audition, do my thing, and leave... no long lines at 6:00 am in the cold weather, and no sitting around all day in a holding room that reeks of stinky feet and hairspray. They're a huge time saver.
Friday afternoon, as I sat in Starbucks (I had to get away from the musical theatre girls waiting at the audition studio) next to a 60-year-old looney tune who was still trying for her "big break" and thought I wanted to hear about it, I began to wonder what my goals were. Is my goal Broadway? Sure, I'd get $1600+ a week, and love my life, but I'd also do eight shows a week, rarely get a holiday, and do very little aside from eating, sleeping and performing. I started to feel huge amounts of anxiety as I thought about the ideal situation that would result from all of my hard work... Is it really worth never moving back to the South? Is it worth dealing with the constant rejection for the rest of my life? Is it worth piecing together hourly jobs of tutoring, babysitting, and waitressing to come up with rent each month?
My answer...for now, yes, and that's all that matters. While I definitely had a hard week, I have realized that my passion for the arts is still there. I'm here in my dream city, doing what I want to do, and I'm grateful for that... in the meantime, I'm going to try to not worry about the future as much, and enjoy the present. I'm going to take each audition as it comes. I'm going to enjoy the awesome things about New York, and not the lack of Southern-ness in my life.
In her book, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young writes (from the perspective of God):
Follow me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways. Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My Presence. Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you.
I am thankful that God has blessed me a passion for acting, and with the perseverance necessary to continue to pursue my dream. I am thankful that God has given me friends and mentors to help me climb the "cliffs" up ahead. Within the last six months especially, I feel like I have gotten to know more and more mentors in the city who believe in me. Some are casting directors, some are vocal coaches, and some are simply older and wiser actors who have been in my shoes years ago. They all bring different joys to my life, but the commonalities are that they are fiercely talented at what they do, they bring me up instead of tear me down, they speak honestly, and they behave with integrity. They are great examples for me, and provide constant encouragement.
One of my wonderful mentors ends her studio class by having us state a positive affirmation.
Tonight, I affirm that I am grateful for the here and now, and that I have been too blessed for the past 24 years to be stressed about the next 10.
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